Real, responsible men

Becoming a man is caught, not taught

I am still thinking of Kenny Brown’s talk during our last session at the Men’s Retreat. Responding to what the Spirit had been doing rather than depending on what he’d prepared, Kenny simply shared his life story and what was on his heart. Instead of leaving with a big idea, I was left with a clear impression: this is it! This is what a man who is walking in the light and keeping his garden sounds like. Not perfect or polished, but proven.

Without giving away confidential details, two distinct ‘moments’ emerged in Kenny’s story that are true for all men. If we are to be a man in the full and not simply biological sense of the word, there must be a point or season in our life where we become real. We must become an authentic human person! We must join the human race. We “walk in the light” by getting honest about our struggles and what is going on inside of us. Yes, some have to be ‘caught’ or hit some sort of ‘rock bottom’ before they can step into real honesty. But still, a step must be taken. We can resist the step and be caught again and keep finding new rock bottoms until we are dead and buried. But thankfully, we can also step into the light at any time without being caught or hitting a rock bottom. In other words, becoming real involves a choice to allow ourselves to be known.

Second, becoming a man means becoming responsible. Remember Brant Hansen’s words:

“Masculinity is about taking responsibility. We naturally respect men who take responsibility for themselves. We have even more respect for those who go beyond themselves to their families. And we have immense respect for men who take responsibility for those outside their homes.

We are not “masculine” to the extent that we body-build or achieve sexual conquests or fix stuff, but to the extent that we are faithful to the job of being humble, consistent, dedicated keepers of the garden. Just as Adam’s failure was devastating, our failures to fill this role have been devastating.” (The Men We Need, 29)

This, by the way, is why faithful elders ought to be respected. They are to be those who keep their own garden (“manage his own household well,” 1 Tim, 3:5) consistently enough that they can be trusted with authority of a plot in God’s unruly garden, the church, the “household of God.” And of course, this is why failures in church leadership are so scandalous and “devastating.”

As Hansen put it, becoming a man is about taking responsibility, and it begins with ourselves. I loved what Kenny said Sunday: “If you are pitying yourself that no one has invited you in to mentor you…get over yourself! I’m sorry, you’re not that important.” Honestly, I was expecting him to say: “I’m so sorry, brothers. Here are some tips.” But sometimes the worst thing for us is more pity and more tips because what we really need is action. Movement! As we say in our fellowship, “Whether or not I am in authentic fellowship is my responsibility.”

We are first to become real. A real person! We must first be a person in order to be a man. It ought to be said of godly men: “what you see is what you get.” We must first give up the act. Remember God’s first question: “Adam, where are you?” We must first learn to answer that question. We must learn to tell the truth about ourselves without embellishment, self-pity, drama, or spin. Then we can begin to take responsibility for where we are headed rather than be dragged along like a child.

In the end, as one of my mentors put it, authenticity is caught, not taught. We can learn a great deal about authenticity, responsibility, and masculinity from books and podcasts or blogs like this one. But we only learn authenticity and responsibility, we only become real, responsible men, by being in the presence of real, responsible men. That’s what I experienced at the retreat. What about you? Are there men you sometimes avoid or make excuses for not reaching out to because you are afraid you do not belong or even that they’ll ‘find you out’? Perhaps these are the men you should be seeking out. Who are the real, responsible men in your life? How can you get time in their presence? This is exactly why I pay for counseling with the most authentic and wise man I know! I’m hoping I “catch on” with time.

But again, becoming a man is not automatic. Good company is necessary but will not automatically build good character. When we are in the presence of authenticity and responsibility, we are presented with choices: to move closer or to move farther away from reality. Think of Adam and Eve blame-shifting in the Garden in the Presence of Reality Himself: “It was the woman you gave me! It was the serpent!” Think of Aaron spinning the truth before humble Moses: “Out popped this calf!” Think of Pilate scrambling before the calmness of Jesus. Think of Ananias and Sapphira lying to fearless Peter. When we are in the presence of real, responsible men, we are in the presence of an image of God that is uncomfortably close to the real deal. We can’t mess around anymore. Games won’t due. Moments like these are a tiny foreshadow of the judgment to come, when passing the buck finally won’t cut it. Real, responsible men long for this day. Worthless men dread it and deny it.

I pray that you may hear these words anew today and work toward being able to say them as your own:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me but to all who have loved his appearing.” - 2 Timothy 4:6-8

Chase mentors. Stay in the fight. Keep running. Take ownership. Admit your mistakes. Never ever give up. The reward will be worth it.